My first memories of St. Valentine’s Day were from my kindergarten and first grade classrooms. We cut giant hearts out of red construction paper, we used glue and glitter, and we wrote pretty words of love for our Moms – because we obviously love our mothers. I also remember making dozens and dozens of hand-made valentines (not the big ones, but the smaller hearts) with handwritten notes to each of my classmates, and to my teacher. On Valentine’s Day itself we secretly placed our cards on each desk. Later, the teacher would announce the time for our party and we would share mountains of candy and sing songs and generally laugh and smile and enjoy the happy day.
These were happy memories. As I got older, I stopped writing valentines for every student in my class – mostly because I had lots of classes, and lots of students, and I may not even know all their names. Nevertheless, I still tried to give out cards of some sort to my friends. When I reached high school, I gave out even fewer cards, and mostly only to girls and they often came with chocolates or a stuffed animal of some sort. I did not have to have a girlfriend to give out valentines – I just had to have friends.
And this may or not be a gender thing, but as I got older I stopped expecting that I would receive valentines – this was a day for me to give them out. I was thinking more about the surprise of those who received my gifts than I was about receiving anything. It is possible this is a “guy thing”, but I am not sure.
It is also possible that my experiences with St. Valentine’s Day are unique, or maybe even unusual.
Since my days in elementary school, it seems that either the general perception of St. Valentine’s Day has changed, or my awareness of its sad side has changed. In either case, I would bet that the easy access to online information has contributed something to the change in tone. About a decade ago, I came across my first article that described St. Valentine’s Day as a depressing holiday. At the time, I assumed the writer was just being overly cynical. Since then, though, the trend has only increased. Five years ago, I could almost predict at least a half a dozen such articles floating through inboxes and news sites online. This year, I did a quick Google search on “Valentine’s Day Depression” and found that the first few pages from the 1.8 million results were dominated with links to addiction rehab centers, suicide hotlines, and a hundred or more blog posts with tips for “Surviving Valentine’s Day.”
Clearly, I was looking for the connections, but it seems to me that the general view of the public towards Valentine’s Day is far more negative than positive. In fact, there is almost a sense of personal resentment connected with the day, and more than a few tinges of anger.
A few days ago, our Inkling Society celebrated St. Valentine’s Day because our meetings fell on either side of the holiday. Following my personal tradition, I bought two dozen roses and gave one to each of our members to let them know that I loved them. Our room was bursting with people and chairs, and we moved right into our weekly discussions. We spoke about such topics as New Year’s Resolutions and personal life goals, and on coffee, and on fitness… everything but St. Valentine’s Day.
Finally, I asked the question: what do you think about this holiday? I prefaced by explaining that every year I seem to come across dozens of online articles that say most people – especially women – hate St. Valentine’s Day. Instead of a day of love and joy, it seems to be a day of sadness and depression. I asked my Inklings: how many of you find this holiday depressing?
Perhaps I should not have been surprised, but almost a quarter of the hands went up… and those who did not raise their hands, had expressions of quiet affirmation.
I asked them, “why?”
They gave many responses. One woman said that when she was in high school, she avoided Facebook on St. Valentine’s Day because her newsfeed was overloaded with pictures of her friends (or her acquaintances) who received candy, and flowers, and big bears… and she usually had nothing. It was not so much a matter of envy as much as it was the sense of competition: one card was not enough, there had to be a bear, and each bear seemed to be just a little bigger than the last one, and each box of candy a little deeper, and each demonstration of undying love was just a little more exaggerated than the last. The day is a bit overwhelming.
Another student explained that it was not just about the flowers and bears. She felt unhappy seeing other girls get these big balloons in class from their parents… the one girl who got showered with gifts was always in the midst of a dozen who got nothing. Whether from direct experiences, or from general empathy, these types of things made the holiday seem a little depressing for most of them.
And then there is the obvious commercialism. Echoing poor Charlie Brown’s lament about Christmas as “one big racket,” the Inklings also talked about the unyielding advertising during this time of year. If you did have a bad experience with St. Valentine’s Day, then you were doomed to relive it year after year. There was no way to avoid the holiday because from the moment the Christmas Decorations come down, and the New Year’s Day party goods are removed from the shelves, stores replace them all with a new set of heart-shaped anythings – from cards and balloons and candy, to jewelry and those giant bins of cuddly pink and red plush animals (including the giant stuffed teddy bears.) The three month Christmas Season is almost matched by a six week Valentine Season.
Personally, I do not begrudge the market place. Retailers need to take advantage of their opportunities and in the sales world, there is no such thing as a “regular season.” Nevertheless, the commercialism of Valentine’s Day does seem to emphasize the more shallow aspects of the holiday… it is very easy to forget that the day is named after a real Saint, and that it began as a religious holiday (not as a commercial black-Friday for greeting card companies, chocolatiers, jewelers and florists).
We feel alone and unloved
It is not a mystery why some people feel sad on St. Valentine’s Day. If you are not married, or planning on being married, or are not in a relationship where such plans are possible, then the holiday might seem depressing. If you are not on the receiving end of all these cards, and chocolates, and stuffed animals, then it is easy to feel isolated, alone, and generally unloved.
Even if you are in a romantic relationship, it is easy to be overwhelmed by the expectations that you must make some dramatic show of affection (especially if you are the boy). St. Valentine’s day may cause anyone to feel a little more anxious.
But this is very sad — not just because the day may cause people to feel sad, but because those feelings are based on perceptions that are mostly untrue. No one is truly alone. Individuals may feel unloved, but it is rare that anyone is really and truly unloved. They may feel like it is true… but it is not. That is the part that is sad.
God always loves us. We are never alone.
I know. This sounds like a platitude of the most banal order. Of course we know that God loves us, but that does not make us feel any better now when our friends are getting flowers and candies, and we are not.
But God does love us… and He does not do so only abstractly. God mostly expresses His love through those around us. Most married folks, if they are honest, understand that they are able to love God more by loving their spouse. Similarly, our children first learn how to love God by loving their parents. Certainly, we know that God loves us, but we sometimes forget that it is through our contact and relationships with other people that we truly “feel” God’s love.
Have we ever thought about what our priests and sisters feel like during St. Valentine’s Day?
There is an online article by a “sister in training” who writes about this very thing. Her name is Tracey Kemme and she wrote her blog while she was going through the process of becoming a Sister of Charity of Cinncinatti (you can find it at http://sisterintraining.blogspot.com/2013/02/happy-celibate-valentines-day-to-me.html). She did not hide behind platitudes, nor did she deny the reality of being human and having human emotions and temptations even as she was in training to live a life of celibacy. She explained:
Confession of a Sister-in-training: I LOVE men! Love them. I think they’re beautiful! I also LOVE many things about being in love: the intimate sharing, growing in acceptance and vulnerable knowing, mutual support, laughter.
But she also added:
I think most religious and priests would say that it is a lifelong journey to figure out how to live their commitment with integrity. At the same time, I think that most would say, too, that being celibate frees them to love and serve in the way that God calls them to. And that it actually brings them a unique and joyful experience of loving. With every struggle, there comes a gift.
Later, she recounted a conversation she had with a priest who said very much the same thing:
“Being celibate has really been one of the greatest gifts of my life. The people in the parish here, man, they give me so much love! Just when I think about being lonely, I get a hug, or a phone call, or a kind word. My life is just filled to the brim with love!“
It is not a platitude to say that God loves us, and it is not an empty sentiment to say we can feel love in non-romantic ways. Of course, it is sweet and special to experience an exclusive love between two people, but romantic love is also rather limiting… it is always shared between two people only. God certainly does not expect (or want) us to love only one other person in our lives. We need to live lives of love with all those who are around us.
Two years after she posted her article about St. Valentine’s Day, Tracey Kemme pledged her vows as a Sister of Charity. Just three days before she took them, she shared her thoughts about taking a life-long vow of celibacy and wrote:
The vow of celibacy, of course, involves that we choose not to live life with a romantic partner but instead in community with our sisters and associates. I rejoiced when doing reading about this vow through the year that the word ‘love’ was mentioned so often! Rather than being a vow that cuts us off from love, it calls us to love widely, embracing the whole human family and all of creation! The vow of celibacy frees me to respond to the needs of the world. The vow of celibacy means that we sisters aim to be in healthy, loving relationship in community, ministry, and personal lives. We treasure friendship! We treasure being members of our religious congregation and the whole world community of women religious!
The vow of celibacy says that our hearts are oriented to God above all else and to the whole human family and Earth through God. Because my primary focus is not on a spouse or family, I vow to focus my energy in a unique way to be an instrument of justice and peace in society. Although not sexually active, celibate people are called to give life and love in many ways! Sisters are some of the most creative and generative people I know, channeling their sexuality into building the kingdom of God and giving of themselves generously. In the words of Simone Campbell, I vow “radical availability” when I vow celibacy.
Tracey Kemme is now a Sister. Certainly, she has a deeper understanding of celibacy and non-romantic love than most of us – her life is committed to it. She has thought about it, she has discerned God’s will in this way. But, she is not really unique.
Until we are married, are we not all committed to such lives?
St. Valentine’s Day seems to be hardest on those who are single and not “attached” to another person. Yet, are we not all called to live as celibate people until we find our future spouse? And for this very reason – because our celibacy allows us to better understand the source of love, and this makes us more open to love. Whether we end up married with children, or end up single, we need to begin with a deeper understanding of love itself.
Not all love is romantic. Indeed, I would argue that the majority of love in the world is not romantic. The love we share with our family and with our friends who feel like family is not exclusive or limited to one person. Our lives are filled with people whom we love with no romantic interest at all. Romantic love is exclusive to one person only, and yet our lives are shared with dozens and dozens of people.
Tracey Kemme is not unique. Her observations should hold for anyone is single and not yet in a romantic relationship.
Who was Saint Valentine?
Before we go too far, let us remember why the Church celebrates St. Valentine’s Day. There were at least two martyrs in the mid-200s with the name of St. Valentine and it is not clear whose life is connected with the modern feast day. It was almost 1,800 years ago, so few hard details about either of their lives remain. In fact, this general ambiguity caused the Church to remove the feast day of St. Valentine from the general calendar in 1969. Nevertheless, this move was not a rejection of either the saint or the holiday.
There is more than enough evidence to prove that St. Valentine actually existed – his bones and relics are found in numerous Churches in Italy. There is also strong evidence that he was a Bishop and that he was killed by the Roman authorities for his faith (he was a martyr). Many stories are associated with his life, and though the details are difficult to isolate, the general truth of his mission and vocation remain unchanged.
In some stories, St. Valentine is said to have been persecuted by Roman authorities because he performed illegal marriage ceremonies for young people who were prohibited from marrying under Roman law. The tradition is that the Roman officials prohibited men who were going to be soldiers from marrying because it would distract them from their duty, and make them less willing to lay their lives on the line. St. Valentine is said to have performed secret marriages in the middle of the night to ensure that young people could still receive the sacrament and build their Catholic families in faith. This is why St. Valentine is associated with happy marriages.
Other stories, however, tell of St. Valentine sharing a different form of love. As a bishop, Valentine was charged with preserving the faith of his flock and spreading the gospel to those who were outside the faith. On one occasion, Valentine reached out to a local judge. It is possible that the Bishop first came in contact with the Judge because he had been arrested for conducting a secret marriage. It is equally possible, though, that he had been arrested simply for being a Christian. The Roman empire during the 200s was still aggressively persecuting Christians, and in some regions it was a crime to simply declare or profess the faith, or for refusing to participate in the pagan rites. In this case, Valentine not only professed his faith but he also reached out to the judge himself and shared his faith in testimony. The judge was initially resistant, but was not unmoved. Eventually, the judge brought his blind daughter to Valentine as a test of faith – if Valentine could cure the daughter, then he would believe in Christ. Valentine protested that miracles are not granted on command, but he prayed nonetheless. And miraculously, the daughter was healed. The judge converted, destroyed his pagan idols, and was baptized with his entire household. He also freed all the Christians who had been remanded to his custody.
Despite his personal conversion, news of Valentine’s evangelism reached other sources and he was again arrested. His friend the judge could not protect Valentine from higher courts. This time he was sent to the Emperor, and as he did with the Judge, Valentine gave his witness and testimony to the Emperor directly. Unmoved, the Emperor ordered Valentine to offer sacrifices to the pagan gods, and when Valentine refused he was condemned to be strangled, hung, and then beheaded – a penalty that was clearly intended to serve as an example for others. Valentine was martyred on February 14th sometime between 269 and 280 AD.
The practice of giving “Valentines” stems another story. As he was being led away by the soldiers to be tried by the emperor, Valentine gave a letter to his Judge friend to be given to the daughter. It contained a pretty flower and read simply, “From your Valentine.” It has always been seen as an act of love for the young girl. (There is a very, very sweet version of the story of St. Valentine on youtube at https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jwz_ohysUCc )
St. Valentine is the patron of happy marriages, but he is also the patron of young children and for love itself. It was not romantic love that led the bishop to his martyrdom. It was not a romantic love that he felt for the young girl. Valentine loved through acts of humble sacrifice. He loved the Judge more than he loved his own life, and risked his own life by spreading the gospel to the very man who held the power to condemn him or to release him. The judge was converted by this act of love. Similarly, Valentine loved the Emperor in the same way — he hoped to save the man from eternal damnation, and was willing to risk his own life in the hope that his witness may save the Emperor. And if not the emperor, then he hoped that the martyrdom that he suffered for the love of Christ might serve as an example for the rest of his flock – including the Judge’s young daughter. Most of the stories of St. Valentine speak of his acts of love that have little to do with romance.
The Church still recognizes St. Valentine and the holiday, despite the fact that his feast day has been largely subsumed by marketing plans of our modern consumer society. St. Valentine’s Day is an opportunity for each of us to celebrate our love for one other – not just in the romantic sense (though that is certainly appropriate) but also in the John 3:16 sense (“For God so loved the World…”) as well as the 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 sense (“Love is patient and kind…”) These words should not be limited to weddings or for couples who are committing their lives together with the hope of building a family. Certainly, married people must be aware of the humility of love. But St. Paul was writing for all Christians, married or not. As Jesus commanded us to “love one another”, we are called to be patient and kind and humble and enduring with everyone we come in contact with, and everyone with whom we share our lives – even if we do so in only a non-romantic way.
Are We Unlovable?
Unfortunately, many of us do not think of love except in romantic terms. Perhaps even more unfortunate is that many of us are not especially open to love – or of even being loved. For many of us, the problem is not that people do not love us, but that we have made ourselves unlovable.
The problem of our modern St. Valentine’s Day is that we remember only romantic love, and forget the love of family and friendship and basic Christian charity for others. In truth, though, we are all filled with and surrounded by love. Sister Tracey Kemme in Cincinnati is filled with love because she practices love daily. So too are our friends Sister Julie Ann Sheahan (Franciscan Sisters of Christian Charity) and Sister Ancilla (Sisters of St. Francie of the Martyr St. George) or our friends Father Robert Latona, Father Emmanuel Famiyeh, or Monsignor Scheckel – all priests at one time or another at our local parish. These people are all human, and they all have their human foibles, but they are also filled with a certain presence of love that sets them apart. People come up and meet them, and they feel a spirit of lovingness. When you meet them, you feel like you want to love them in return.
These sisters and priests are lovable because they practice love – non-romantic love – as a routine part of their daily lives.
It is easy to blame mass media and commercialism, or our own social media, or our culture’s hyper sexuality for the prominence of romantic love over its other forms. And certainly, they each share some part of the blame for why people mostly associate love with romance only, and forget the divine command to love our neighbor daily as we love ourselves. Yet are we not deceiving ourselves just a little, by laying the blame entirely outside ourselves?
Do we really try to be lovable?
Are we living lives that make us lovable? Are we blaming the world for feeling unloved, when we might be bringing on our own sense of isolation?
What are we doing to practice expressing our non-romantic love… or more importantly… what are we doing that might be alienating love from others? Do we make it more difficult for others to love us? Have we developed habits that isolate ourselves from others, and that obstruct our own capacity to love?
If we are honest with ourselves, I think we must admit that none of us (myself included) practice loving others as much as we could, or should. In part, this may be personal choice. In part, also, it may be an unconscious habit. How much of our daily routine has been cultivated precisely to avoid such acts of love? Perhaps we are afraid to commit ourselves to another, even when there is no chance of a romantic potential. Perhaps we are too stingy with our time to be willing to share it with others, especially if it is for their sake alone. Perhaps we hide behind the pretense of being constantly overwhelmed and constantly busy to share anything of ourselves with those who are not intimately connected to us.
Of course, whatever our stated reasons, each of them, and all of them can become self-fulfilling prophecies. Let us consider just a few of our non-social, non-loving habits:
- Do you prefer to post on Facebook rather than visit someone in person?
- Do you use your caller id to screen calls, and let non-intimates go directly to voice mail?
- Do you prefer to text rather than to take a direct phone call?
- Do you “sit” on your texts (or your emails), and let them wait for days on end before you respond?
- Are we using our vast technological resources to shield us from direct contact with others?
- Do you avoid people, even your friends, because you just crave time alone and by yourself?
- Do you find yourself taking an alternate route when you see an acquaintance coming toward you… not because you do not like them, but because you do not want to be caught in an awkward conversation?
- Do you avoid certain people because you know they want to talk with you, and because you are afraid that you will “not be able to get away” easily or politely?
- Do you find yourself hiding in our own personal spaces rather than face the pressures of interacting with others?
- Do you find yourself saying, “I am too busy” more often than you say “I will make that a priority?
We might be able to justify any and all of these behaviors by claiming to be shy or asserting forthrightly that we are introverts. But is it not odd how many people have been declaring themselves “introverts” lately?
Is it possible that we might be using our natural shyness as a convenient excuse for another more basic desire to avoid sharing ourselves and our time with others? Is it possible that we simple do not want to exert the energy or the effort required to really engage with others? It is always easier to hide, or to retreat into ourselves. We seem more than capable of wearing a pretense of an engaging personality in the anonymous (non-committal) posts of social media, but are we equally forthright in our direct and personal interaction with other real live humans? Has our technology become a tool for hiding in plain sight?
Similarly, we also seem eager to hide behind the façade of being constantly busy. We are busy, but are we ever not busy? Is this time in our lives truly different from any other time in our lives?
If we are honest, we know there are many moments in our day when we are not tied up and are not technically as “busy” as we claim. Perhaps, we think in terms of “blocks of time” and ignore those spare moments here or there as too brief to remember. But we can test this also… are we too busy to get on Facebook? Are we too busy to watch television, or watch youtube videos, or do any number of activities that take ourselves into ourselves? We may believe we are too busy to interact with others directly, but the truth is that we choose our own priorities. In our modern culture, these priorities often do not include interaction with the other people in our lives.
Are we really so busy that we cannot spare five minutes to say hello over the phone, or a half hour to stop by and give someone a visit? Do we organize our lives to include acts of love and charity as a regular part of that busy schedule? Or do we live to avoid them?
Whether we choose to isolate ourselves intentionally or accidentally is hard to know – even for ourselves. But it seems that despite our access to unprecedented technologies for connectedness, we often prefer to use them as buffers between ourselves and those around us. We develop habits of isolation and blame our busy lives, but few of those decisions are truly outside our own control.
In the midst of our shyness and our hectic schedules, we can easily make ourselves less lovable… and in these daily routines we can find ourselves feeling very alone and unloved.
Let Us Celebrate St. Valentine’s Day
St. Valentine’s Day should not be a day of sadness, or depression. We should never feel unloved or alone, because we never are alone – not truly. God loves us, but He loves us through those that are around us. If we open ourselves to them, then we open ourselves to love. This is a feast day designed to celebrate all those people in our lives that we love, so that we can become more open to love – we can make ourselves more lovable, and thereby feel God’s love in a more personal and real way.
Certainly, St. Valentine’s is also for our romantic love. This is a day to show our love to our spouses, and to those spouses-to-be. And… just as Christmas is not the only day to be grateful for God’s ultimate gift to the world, so too St. Valentine’s Day is not the only day for expressing love for our spouses. Anyone who is married knows that you need to work on showing your love in a myriad of little ways, on a daily basis.
And so too, we should express our non-romantic love to those around us on a daily basis. Once a year is not sufficient.
St. Valentine’s Day is a day set aside to remember that we should express our love always, and in all its different forms. If we have forgotten, then this is the day to remember our Christian duty – as well as our source of happiness. On this feast day, we should once again practice sharing our love just as we did as children, when we cut out dozens and dozens of little hearts for all of our classmates, and when we left no one out.
Today, we can remember to say I love you (and mean it) to our family and to our friends. Today we can remember to visit our friends, or to call someone, or give a flower or a card or a gift to someone that we have not connected to for a long while. At a most basic level, we can choose not to avoid the person who you know wants to talk. At the very least, we can go out of our way to smile and to be friendly, and to share ourselves and our love in a non-romantic way to the many people in our lives.
This is not a day to be sad. It is day to love.
And, of course… I love you!
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